Without Some Rock There Is No Roll

"I too am lost,and I feel double crossed..." - Bob Seger "Roll Me Away"
 

Ok life is not perfect. The ride is filled with potholes, crashes and falls.It is very hard to see any hope at times when everyone and everything seems to be going against you. Part of trying to fix myself has gotten me to try and look at things in a different way. But it is so fucking hard to get thru all the bullshit that seems to flow downstream.


I was always told growing up, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I have to tell ya my hope is being sucked from the last fibers I possessed (I'm a poet and I know it). Drained and empty come to mind.Somehow we have to get up and shake out the melancholy. But getting up is the hardest part.


Another issue I have struggled with over  time is the gratitude factor.Changing yourself is hard enough without having to say thank you for my problems.I have been having such a hard time remembering to say thank you for what I do have.So right now I say thank you out loud for all the things I have been blest with.But my family are my rock and without them I would be lost. My wife had surgery this week so I have been trying to do my best helping her.Just like she has been and will continue to help me.Thank you.


We are going thru alot of things at this moment in time. Trying to keep in mind that this to shall pass has not been any comfort to me at all.But my rock has.I have survived another day.My life goes on.I am sober and after the day I had that is something to be thankful for.At least today.


The bus has broken down on the side of the road...please call road service.     

I Feel Like Shit...But At Least I

When Anders Friden of the Swedish band InFlames  screams out the line"I feel like shit,but at least I feel something." In the chorus of "Disconnected" from '08's "A Sense of Purpose" album I can feel it like someone had punched me in the gut.Yeah, that one I am growing. I didn't say it would pretty people!


I stopped drinking forty five days ago. Yes god dammit I am counting. I wish I didn't have to but sometimes we have to get away from things that we like to much. As I have explained to some of my closet friends in recent years. Moderation is not my strong suit. I don't have to say it again. You know what I am getting at. Now do I have a drinking problem? Yeah!. I must have if I can't stop at two and need six more after.


It's fucked up when you can't remeber the last time you hadn't had a beer in the last forty five days. I can tell you it has been a long,long time. Now look I am not here to tell anyone what to do. I have a hard time  when people try to do that with me. I would never tell someone to quit drinking because I have for now. I don't know from day to day if I may choose to drive to the bev and get a six pack of some real good micro brew. I have not done that yet. I did however have a sip of an IPA last night at dinner with some friends. I kept to my Diet Ppesi though after that sip. It tatsted very refreshing but I knew that I would have had a hard time just having one. And that sucks.


I share this because the last week has been one of those weeks you don't seem to take part in. After finding out that I would need fusion surgery on my spine last Monday. He tells me that there would be a possibility of losing my voice or having it change on me. If that happens it won't be the last change in me. I have been singing professionally for more than twenty years. I have been up and down the east coast a couple of times. My first love has always been music. But I also discovered that I really enjoy writing also. I have been sort of out in left field these last five days.


I am going to enjoy sharing music appreciation with everyone.I am also going to start getting up some other pages. Relevant info and other cool things. This is a work in progress. So I can just ask you to jump on the bus with me  and ...enjoy the ride........

Talk Hard-Walk Slow

Not exactly sure.Maybe I will be able to give you a better answer tomorrow. It could be that I screened one of my faves this week."Pump Up The Volume",with Christian Slater. If you have never had a chance to see this,check it out. Great soundtrack of early 90s rock n roll. Hell most of it is all rock n roll to me. Couldn't live without it.


But that movie was centered around the world of pirate radio broadcasting. What a problem it  posed for the feds back in the days. It would take them hours to check all those connections.Where a broadcast might get bounced off ten houses. But just the impact the show proved to have on the  teens. We all need someone to listen. And if discovered very early therapy is great. Everyone should feel safe talking to at least one person they know. That way somebody can be alerted if something is on the verge of breaking down.


We need people everywhere talking hard about mental health. It still seems to be getting pushed to the back of the talk boxes. It is actually good to see that Newtown hasn't faded. The WHMT series on public TV last week was  great.


It just seems to me that there is a lot of back door politics going on. Passing bills behind the scenes with out a proper vote by taxpayers.Gun legislation that is sort of slid under doors. We need common sense laws about proper armming. I don't want to see anyone who is able to pass the screening process not be able to purchase a legal gun.I would like to see a nation wide registry and a alert for anyone with issues that should prevent them from posessing firearms.


There are some other ideas people have to change some of these outdated laws and legislation. It seems to me that when people need help they should have good help the first time. Good help is the key. You just have to find your team and be comfortable. But it does not work if you are not willing to put out. You must be active in your self help.It can be a full time job at times. But you will get to the other side. It doesn't last forever. You just have to find some good tunes. Sit back and let the bus roll on and "Roll Me Away". Thank you Mr. Seger.

Lookin Forward To What's Up Ahead

..."Looking forward to what's up ahead,no need to see what's left behind". That is a lyric from my song,"Outta Sight". I gave up the riding because my back would stiffen up so bad. I had a hard time staying in the saddle for hours.So I sold the bike in April of 2012.I hadn't had the injuries yet. So I figured since it hurt so bad to ride sometimes, I would sell the bike.I've had four motorcycles in thirteen years.


 I was informed yesterday that I would be having some surgery in the future. I was also informed that this could interfere with me singing. I am having a cervical fusion soon and I know they have to shift the vocal cords over with a tool so they can reach your discs.I know I have one of the best doctor's in my area performing it when it happens also. But I must say I'm a little nervous about losing my voice.It can sometimes effect your larynx and cause the vocal cords to become hoarse and sometimes paralyzed. It doesn't seem to happen all the time for good. But if I said I was happy about anytime  I would be lying.


I was thinking that these problems I am having are leading me to another gift and not my selective gift.I was thinking deeply that my voice was a true gift.But I was talking to a close friend the other day. And I had a \n AH-AH!!!. My singing took alot of work.I struggled and toiled long and hard to develop that. The funny thing I had been developing all these years was my writing. I write songs.I have had poetry published.I always did well writing papers. I am a writer. So with a little coaxing I started this blog. I hope to have a podcast going soon as well.


I want to document this next road I am riding down. Now, that way if I don't sing again I will be able to keep firing the creative juices around. It is wonderful to be able to have more than one way to give to the muse. The written word is so wonderful and there is no place that you can't go.I also look forward to getting back behind the mic. I did some radio work at WRPI  in Troy. I was in high school and was getting hours to get my fcc license. So I did some on air work. I have also made numerous radio and tv apperences over the years. I just want to thank everyone who has heard or listened to me sing over the years. Looking forward to whats up ahead...




"Come ride the bus with me along the way......"

Needle Stuck In The Groove....

So a little heads up on my life here. I have been sitting home now for four months from work. I got hurt on the job and have not been able to work since .Today I find out I have to have surgery on my spine. This needless to say was not the outcome I was hoping for. But I can say for certain that this experience has been life changing thus far. How so? Well let me fill ya in.


This accident filled me with pain and pressure. Not knowing when I was going back to work. Or if I would be able to has filled me with angst and anxiety. I have not received any money yet to date. So let me tell ya,the mortgage comes quick. My wife thankfully is a wonderful soul. She is working  hard  and has been very helpful during this trying time. I know that I have not been so helpful while this has been going on.


My depression amped up so bad the last few months that I thought I was going to kill myself. Now if you are a close friend of mine,ya would be like..."get the fuck outta here." Let me tell ya what despair does to your positive thoughts. It chokes them and than rips than out of your soul. Any one who suffers from any sort of mental illness can quantify this for you. The chasm of darkness created by the cassette in your head will drive you CRAZY. I call it the broken record syndrome. That needle goes down on the vinyl,and the needle gets caught in the groove of the most psychotic measure of the song. You hope it will catch to move on but it don't.


Now that song and negative thoughts will make you insane. But you know that already. I can tell you if you're head does this.You are not alone!!! Just know that if you have thoughts of hurting yourself  you are not alone. Even in the hardest of times and moments when you no longer think you can go on. YOU CAN!!!!!  Never make radical decisions when you are under massive amounts of stress. My therapist just told me this during one of our sessions. I am famous for doing this. The pendulum swings and I swing with it.


Just please take a step back and breathe. Remember that you have made an impact on someone. You are important to the album. Your talent is needed. You are needed. No temporary issue needs a permanent  solution. Please get help if you need someone. Call your doctor or friend. Call the police if you have to. Just try another day. The bus will roll on......

         And The Oscar Goes....

 

 

Yes everyone it is Oscar night.I am making a bold prediction that Jennifer Lawerence walks away with Best Actress and De Niro walks away with Best Supporting Actor for both of ther parts in the movie,"Silver Linings Playbook" . And I bring this up for a couple of reasons on this Sunday evening.

 

 

The movie that both roles were a part of was a very good picture this year. I have not been a big movie goer in recent years because A) the movie makers are jusr rehashing some of the same garbage over and over and B) I would rather spend money on books and music for entertainment. But when I found out that this movie was about mental health and several facets of the disease I couldn't wait to get my popcorn and sneak in some Twizzlers and stick it to the man.

 

 

I was very happy and pleased that I saw this film in theatrical release. Bradley Cooper,who sadly won't walk away with an eight lb golden statue this evening was a great lead character.His name is Patrick.He just got home from a stay in an institution .I don't want to give the plot away for anyone who has yet to see this flick. He doesn't take his medicine and he really has no couth when it comes to interaction. His triggers for flying off the handle are quite amusing at times and I can sort of relate in a matter of  fact sort of way. We have all been in his shoes to a certain degree at times in our lives.

 

 

Enter Tiffany. Wonderfully played by tonite's Oscar winning leading lady, Jennifer Lawerence. Who in most opinions I have seen made this film.She plays a beautiful soul trying to rebuild her life and experiencing all five stages of greif, sometimes all together.This story some how seemed custom made for her.And she truly is the heroine of the story.

 

 

The thing I want everyone to take away from this is,that no matter how unrelenting the pain can be there can always be a silver lining.We have to work real hard to find it. But it is there.I can say this with certainty because I am going thru this with you right now. I am trying to find all the silver linings that I can.With everyone I find I get a foot closer to climbing out of the abyss that seems impossible to scale.And slippery as hell.But let me tell ya I don't wanna be on the bottom forever because I might just suffocate...Now where's the bus????

The Tour Rolls On....

Words like this are used by concert reviews and rock magazines.Not a blog guy with his first post.Especially when he his writing about depression and mental illness.But wait I am not your average blogger.And I don't view things the same as most people.Not that I am saying things that haven't been said or expressing views that you may have or have not heard.The difference is that like everyone else I am unique.That's a big step just for me to even try to say that.

Let me tell ya a little about myself. I am forty years old. A married father of one.Four if ya count pets.I have by some accounts a good job.But one that cultivates a culture of bullying and really doesn't care if it changes at all. I have suffered  from depression probably all my life.But when I was younger I could just keep my blue days in check to some degree.I really took break ups hard and loved all the sad music I could listen to.But I also loved to rage too.More on that in due time.I have a family member who suffers from schizoaffective disorder.I have had to deal with that fact my whole life and that played a huge part in my growing up.

I was diagnosed clinically by my primary in 2006 and have been on medication since.I recently suffered a bout that probably would have been the last one if not for my support system.My wife has been monumental in me getting help and pulling me up by my guitar strap.I have a beautiful child I want to see grow up also.It would be hard if I let those thoughts that I was having win.I have been barraged by stress in the last six months.Not to mention the medications I was taking that screwed me all up.It just plain sucked.

So I got the idea to do this.In coming weeks I will have all sorts of info and stuff for ya to check out.I will be doing reviews of self help products & programs.I will have a section about movies and music for ya to check out as well as other sites and blogs to see.We are in a very important fight at this juncture in America. Post Newtown and countless other rampages.Not to mention bullying and a world that thrives on everyones pain.We need as many voices and stories as we can piece together to undo the stigmas surrounding mental illness and bring to light that people are suffering needlessly.Possibly someone you know and love.

I hope ya join me on my tour to find the fix for my mojo and anyone else we can help on this road. Remember the road goes on forever and the streets are lined with the broken and weary.Help me find my way and I will help you find your's.Now, where's the bus????